Free to see myself
I have finally sorted it out / that there is nothing good about me/ Except Him. / I hear His song / In silence I break / unvindicated/ I see Him up there on the hill / With outstretched arms and blood-dripped hands Here comes the embrace. / Ground shook, and icy walls , fortified by scars, / shattered and collapsed / As I collapse in Him. / I lost myself in a puddle of tears and dirt. / He pulled me up and I look into His watery eyes / and found myself. / My reflection in his love-filled eyes. / The only reflection of me that I ever want to see / No mirror of the world can offer a better reflection / And Now, He looks into my eyes, / He will only see, Himself in me.
Free to choose You
My heart was asleep / Numb from my so-called antibiotics / Walls up and fortified / Must not awaken love until it so desires / and it desired to be awoken by You. / Your persistence, broke my resistance / and Now I know, God / I am Your choice / and my choice is You
free from single shaming
One day I was talking to a woman that I just met. She told me she has recently gotten married and she is having a baby. I congratulated her. "What about you?", she asked. "Oh I don't have any kids and I'm still single". I told her quite proudly. She laughed out loud and asked "but why? how old are you?" and laughed again. She laughed like I told her the funniest joke for the day. Telling her my age would probably result to even more scrutiny. So I smiled, winked and said, "it's a secret". I can't count how many comments I've heard from fellow women, older women, and married women. "You're not getting any younger...", "think of your eggs." Oh this one, "Are you a lesbian?" or "why? but you're so pretty!" These comments that match their condescending look with a hint of pity, that say I am a strange creature from another planet. Sometimes I'm tempted to get all defensive, but more often I just shrug and say "oh well". Cos I know deep inside there are moments, they wish they could be me. In fact , I hear that too. "Oh I wish I could be more like you... so free" which is just another form of single shaming. I'm not single because of lack of trying. There are people in my phone book who'd be rushing to date me. They're just one text away...if I'm that desperate. It's not the 1900's anymore. Why are women expected to be married and to bear children before they turn 30? And if you're not and don't, something's seriously wrong with you. Even in church, people are segregated this way: Please tick if you are 0 student 0 married 0 single. Can't we think of any other way to tell people apart. Is there a law that these groups of people can't mingle with each other? Perhaps it'is a good idea for students to get a long with old married couples. I bet they will learn a lot. As observed, there seems to be 2 groups of single women, group A are those who are.. should I say...obsessed.. about getting married and "finding the one" that's all they talk about. Everything they say seems to conclude somehow to getting married. Their facebook posts are all about "the one" and waiting for the perfect time. Sorry I can't help but roll my eyes. Then there's group B, those women who want nothing to do with men or finding love and highlight the fact that they are single which is reflected by their dozen posts about single life. None of these two groups seem to appeal to me. Am I supposed to be defined by my civil status? I admit I do think about having a husband and having kids. Probably not as often as group A. No. I don't pray about it everyday as I've been instructed before. Heck. My dad probably prayed more for it than I ever did. My prayer often goes like this: "Father help me to appreciate the now. to be grateful for the people who are already in my life. To celebrate this season of my life." Let's try this: let's celebrate each other's life seasons. Regardless of where we are and not to expect each other to be more like each other. Accept the fact that some marry early, some marry late, some think marriage is not for them. Let's congratulate each other, where we are and not look down on each other for not being more like us. We all have our own unique journey. Lower you eyebrows, (real or drawn) and let's be happy for each other for once. You are awesome.
She knows that this transition is not about making herself better but allowing herself to become what she had always been
Free to declare "I'm single and fabulous!"
While I wait to get married, I will focus on my relationship wih God. As I regularly spend more time in His presence, the Holy Spirit within me will produce the Fruit of the Spirit which includes love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, kindness, and self-control. The qualities I need to develop in order to become 'the one' for my 'the one'. I will be a good STEWARD of the time given to me right now as a single. I will fulfill the purpose God had prepared for me to do. I am SET APART. I SERVE Him. I help others. I care for my family. I will honor God with everything I've got: my strength, my time, my resources, my gifts and talents. I make disciples. I will be diligent to guard my thoughts, and to guard my heart. I will not follow my heart's desires but God's heart's desire. I will resist the temptation to be bitter or envious when I see other people getting what I want. In a time of weakness, I will seek God's grace and ask for a way out. I wait patiently, expectantly with thanksgiving and committed prayer. I will pray unceasingly. My security and identity is in my God. I refuse to give in to self-pity when society looks down on me for being unmarried. My intimacy with Him makes me trust His timing and SOVEREIGNITY. I believe His plan is good. I will grow closer to God daily. I will discern the character of the men I meet. I will be prepared to be in a relationship with a man as a friend first and eventually a fiancee. While I wait, the time before marriage will be sweeter as I am near my God. My spirit is at peace. I am complete. I am fit and fabulous. And when the time finally comes, I'll be better prepared to get married and be married for His glory ! So help me God.
Free to Dream
Here it is, ladies. Part 3 of 3. :) at least for now this is the last one. I'm sure there a lot of principles that can help us make the most of this wonderful journey of waiting. Let's recap: First, Engage with people. Don't shrink back. Step out in faith. When you do that, next thing you can do is invest your time, love, energy even finances to people. You will never ran out of people that you can help. The third fun thing you can do on your way to answered prayers is to Dream. There are times that I just feel lazy to dream because I can't count how many times my dreams got broken. I figured if I don't dream then I don't have to worry about whether or not they will come true and I'll have lesser heart aches. Then when I do dream sometimes, I hear the enemy's voice saying, " tss..Asa!", "feeling ka" , "you think God will do that for you? don't you remember what you did to Him?" and then i will just feel so discouraged and stop dreaming. There's just so much struggle, burden and hassle to dream. Then I realized the reason we struggle is because we want things to go our way. We don't want to let go and let God. We feel that our first fruit is our only fruit. But God said, " give Me your first fruits; of your time, energy, finances, effort and I, the God who created the universe will give you more than what you can think or even imagine! Seek Me first! and I can give you all that you need" He knows the desires of your heart, He knows them more than you do! The question is, are we willing to trust His timing? I used worry about that, you know how our biological clock is ticking, ladies. and it "seems" like we're running out of time. But let me quote the poet Jannette..iks on this one: We serve the Author of Time! Who is not subject to time, but I'm subject to Him. He has the ability to stop, pause,rewind , fast forward on any given time. The Bible said, the blessing of the Lord makes us rich and adds no sorrow to it. Allow me to be an open-book here for a moment. In my life, I have manipulated the will of God way too many times. and when I bring about something that is not in the season of God, all I got in the end were sorrow, regrets, and heart aches. I couldn't afford to wait for God- it's taking Him so long so I thought He needed a hand. so I volunteered. told God, "I got this". and for a while, I was living my "dream" (or so I thought) I had a job I love, I had my own place, living independently in the city, and a "working" relationship. I was settling for that. First fruits of my effort. Galing ko! but I lost God along the way. I was successful but far from being happy. A hole in my heart was echoing so loudly I couldn't enjoy my plunder. I remembered asking God, " Will you take me back? " and I felt God telling me, "Anak,I've always been with you, it was you who let Me go, So I should be the One asking you, "Will you take Me back?" With an aching chest I knew that's what I wanted. I missed Him. I said yes to that and Bam! in a blink(ok, within a month) I was stripped off of all my dreams that I held on so dearly. Everything I worked hard for: gone. God showed up. Those dreams were not what He wanted for me. Yes He stripped off the fancy dreams I put on myself: but He replaced them with garments of praise. He clothed me with garment of salvation. I was the prodi"gal" and He put on me the family robe, new slippers to welcome me home, and the signet ring of my Father so I can leave His mark everywhere He places me. God had to break me just so I can exchange my dreams for His. And is anything too hard for our Big God? He birthed new dreams in my heart. He even gave me a talent for writing. Someday I want to see my name on a book's cover, or a magazine column and go to nations where I can tell women everywhere how God turn things around in my life and what He can do for them. By myself, I don't think I can do anything. but with Him, I can do anything! I'm just an ordinary woman, with not-so-ordinary dreams, and extraordinary God! God used my pain for His glory. because in the first place, His pain was my gain. Even in the time of waiting, God refreshed me. And as I waited on Him, I was able to know Him better, fall in love with Him more each day...and That is my answered prayer. Questions to ask: 1. What are the dreams God had birthed in my heart? 2. Am I willing to let go and offer it to God so that He can do so much more in my life? Sisters, Remember you are a remarkable woman, intricately designed; an intelligent, secure, loving, talented, kind-hearted, witty, attractive, beautiful, wonderful woman, princess of God. Love, Chinky
Free to Sow
This is the part 2 of 3 installments :) If you haven't read the first part, you better do that before reading this otherwise this is not gonna make so much sense. I just came back from a victory group meeting and worship service so I'm so encouraged and inspired right now. I can not thank God enough for His grace. The only reason why I'm still standing is because of His unfailing, sufficient, saving and amazing grace. I would've given up on myself a long time ago but He never gave up on me. isn't that amazing ? Anyway back to the topic. been talking about waiting and it seems a lot of my single friends can relate! yey! The first thing we can do on our way to our answered prayer is to ENGAGE to other people. Even if you don't feel like it , when you feel the nudging of the Spirit, you just go and God's grace will show up. You'd be surprised how He can use you to help others. The next principle for us girls to do while waiting is to INVEST. and I don't mean in business or in a house or on yourself.(though those are good too) but invest your time, money and effort on other people. Ministry is all about that. It's all about sowing. Sometimes it may be a little inconvenient and awkward at first, it's uncomfortable and we fear rejection and humiliation. But as I heard from a pastor before, as you step out in faith, God will meet you there. and you will just stand amazed on how he can use you. Let me tell you about my college friend Diorella. During my most depressed time, God wanted me to minister to her. (she just went through an ugly break-up at that time) and I said, "but I'm still messed up, how can I possibly help her?" Then the lies began "she's not gona listen to me, she knows too much about my lifestyle before, she's not gonna believe me" God encouraged me, "I will be with you" so I spent time with her, called her up, sent tons of text messages, prayed for her, eventually she agreed to go to church with me, I got her her first bible. She became so hungry for God's word. All I did was told her about my sappy pathetic life and how God was able to turn things around. We prayed and she received Christ as Lord and Savior. This was her message to me after her quiet time one night: "Chinky, I'm so inpired by you. I'm so whole again. All the pieces I lost, they were replaced by One great piece and that's Him (Jesus). Thanx for helping me find that piece." All glory to God! that I stepped out and invested in her. there's no greater joy than helping someone in their walk with God. I wouldn't be where I am also if it weren't for those people who invested their time in me; prayed for me, counseled and discipled me.(esp. Ate Let-Thank you!) (pasaway pa naman ako!) The people I also need to sow my time, effort and money are my family. Especially my dad. I know my time with him is limited. I know that when I get married my priority will be my husband and I'm believing for a great husband. So right now, while I'm still single I'm investing on my dad. Practice na diba? I know that as I serve my dad right now, take care of him, love him, God will someday bless me with a husband that will take care and love me too. Now is the time ladies to invest. There are people in your life that God wants you to spend more time with, treat a dinner to, jog with, call up, buy a book for, buy a cup of coffee, invite to church, It takes a little bit of your time, effort and money but someday you will reap what you sow. your reward is eternal. Once again, God is saying to you, "What are you waiting for?" "Ano pa'ng iniintay mo jan, ha?" invest! sow! Questions to ask yourself: 1. Who are the people who invested time and energy in my life that helped me in my walk with God? Don't forget to thank them. 2. Who are the people God wants me to invest more time that they may know God more? 3. What am I willing to do/give up in order to invest more to them ? Stand by for Part 3 of 3. it's gonna be a good one! :)
Free to Engage
I'm surprised with the volume of responses I got from the previous notes. Akalain mo, may nagbabasa pala ng sinusulat ko. hahaha. Thanx for the like and feel free to share. Everything I write now is the juice from a heart that's been squeezed out by the nail-pierced hand of Jesus. He needed to apply pressure on my hemmorhaging, bruised and cut heart so He can heal me. I can not say I am completely healed and free but I do believe deliverance is on its way. Stormie Omartian in her book, "The power of the praying woman" says God wants to deliver you, not to change you into someone else but to release you to be who you really are: an intelligent , secure, loving, talented, kind-hearted, witty, attractive, wonderful woman of God." Often I feel impatient with myself. When will I change? Then I remember, God is patient with me. I just have to be still and wait on Him. I feel like writing here what I shared to a bunch of beautiful women at Victory Imus about on our way to answered prayers. (good times, ladies). Like you, I am also waiting for answered prayers but I'm not sure if you, like me feel that it's taking a long time. that maybe God has forgotten me or my prayers because nothing seems to be happening. I feel so left behind. and I get it now that this waiting thing is a challenge and can be frustrating. But Proverbs 3:5-6 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." So my prayer for us girls, is that we won't get so consumed of what we're waiting for that we miss out on what God wants to do right now. It hit me then that probably the reason for praying and waiting is not about getting your prayers answered but it is when we wait and pray that we get to know Him more which should be our utmost goal anyway. So what do we do now? I heard a similar message to this few years back from New York City- (a trip that God billed for me 100%- praise Him!) funny how it didn't make a dent to me til now. 1. Engage- in people's lives , I mean. I used to feel that God can't use me until He does something in my situation or until I completely change. but when He places people in our lives to engage to, suddenly our problems and limitations become so insignificant. Sure, we have good days then we have bad days, and when we feel that nudge that God wants to use us we say, "not today, God." and I noticed that God wants me to engage to others during my lowest points. What is up with that ? A co-worker wants me to pray for her, a college friend suddenly calls me up for advice, a family member needs help. and sometimes i just want to say, "but I'm hurting too God. hello? who's encouraging me ?" and He says, "C'mon, daughter, engage. go out there and pursue me, pray for people, get dirty for people, serve people." Now is the best time. I don't know about you, but I want to be engaged someday but I want to engage before I get engaged. God says to you, "What are you waiting for? engage! " Questions to ask self: 1. Who are the people God is asking me to engage to? friends, relatives, colleagues, neighbors. 2. What will I do today to engage to them ?
Free to wait for the one
I've been available in the market for almost 8 months now. It can't be helped when your friends and family realized that you're single and available that they start setting you up. I have to admit, I had been a little picky at first but as time passes by, I started opening up my options. I found out that at face value, I'm just so-so, they'd rather admire my figure. They would like me because of my oozing personality but then they would realize they can't catch up with my train of thoughts. I could be very deep and very shallow at the same time. This of course will sometimes freak them out a bit. So I said to myself, maybe dating is not for me. where the atmosphere seems fake and superficial. The one for me would find me, when it's time to find me. and when he finds me, he would already know me, because, he's already been praying for someone like me. The one for me will not be intimidated by my weirdness and idiosyncrasies. He would find my humor funny. I hope he will not just be attracted to my personality but to my character- the woman that God is changing me into. I hope he will not look at my past with disgust but with grace. I hope he will not just see may face, but the joy and peace in my eyes. I hope he will be attracted not just because I know how to carry myself but because I am secured in my Creator. He will be drawn to my faith, he would fall in love with me because of the way I pray for the nations and the next generation. He would not see how I could love him, but how I love Him. He would like me not because I'm articulate but because I can worship God in spirit and in truth. He would like me not because I'm popular and likable, but he would see how I serve others. He would fall in love with me, because he's in love with Christ, and he would see Christ in me. I know I'm still far off from that, but by grace I could be on my way. The one for me, will not complete me, because I am complete in God. and when he knows that, he'd be wise enough to never let me go.
Free to Reset
After 3 years, i finally had the courage to reopen this blog. Besides the more accessibility to the internet and time, i guess i also got a lot of inspiration in the past events in my life in the beginning of the year. New Years give us a chance to reset. You can start over. clean slate. you can learn from your past mistakes and and then forget about them. It gives you a reason to grab a pen and paper and write down your goals for this year. You can be expectant for the amazing things God had prepared for you. While some people get a new haircut or new attitude, I'm getting a new heart. what happened to the old one? well it's shattered. It was necessary. no one to blame. I needed to learn something; that is Loving takes risks and sometimes you get burned but it was worth taking. I thought about the individuals that helped me learned this lesson, however indirectly. and I am thankful because now, i can honestly say that i know how to love. I was given a chance and i took it. But how do we get a new heart? It's all about forgiveness. It's the way to live. It gives you peace and inner joy knowing that you did the right thing. It's where healing starts. You're no longer a victim, but a survivor. I will not allow bitterness to creep in my life. There are two types of people: those who have problems forgiving and those who can't receive forgiveness. but it becomes easier to forgive people if you know how much you have been forgiven. i did too many things too in my life that need pardon and I'm thankful that I have received forgiveness. I am free !